Great Expectations?
- Camilla Young
- Sep 17, 2023
- 3 min read
Updated: Sep 18, 2023
How much of your choices are driven by the expectations of others?
I was listening to a podcast with Bronnie Ware this week about the five regrets of the dying, and number one (above keeping in touch with friends and working less) was 'I wish I'd lived a life true to myself, not the life that everyone expected of me'.
It hit me hard, and not because it's something I've struggled with. More because it's the thing that I've had to fight the hardest to maintain.
You see, I've always rebelled against the norm. Whether that was rocking a rather eclectic hat collection in my teens, pursuing hobbies that were viewed by others as somewhat passé or just generally being highly intelligent and confident in my assertions. I hadn't followed the 'popular girl' narrative. I didn't 'fit in'.
As humans, we're programmed to protect the herd, because at one time in history it would have been extremely risky to go your own way. We needed to stick together, and relied on collective cohesion for hunting, gathering, and defense. Stepping out of line often triggered consequences, including social ostracization, loss of support and resources, and of course potential physical harm.
Whilst societal norms have evolved, the impulse to conform and protect the tribe remains a fundamental aspect of human behaviour. It was tough, at school particularly, where fitting in is the ultimate aim. I was bullied, I was spat on, tripped up and called names. Yet, I refused to let go of my individuality. I knuckled down, I found comfort in the other 'oddballs' ('boffins', 'gays', 'skanks' and a bunch of other labels besides) and I focused on what was important to me.
By the time I joined the workplace, I'd hardened to the opinions of others and put up walls to protect myself. It didn't go unnoticed. People would criticize my communication 'style' and suggest I was aloof and 'untouchable'. What I was hearing yet again was 'you don't belong here'.
It was tough, I worked extremely hard, I always performed well and I gave freely to those around me. But it was never enough, and I couldn't understand why.
In my 30's I reached a point where I'd had enough of being a lone wolf, I wanted to be accepted ad part of the herd. I ended up in therapy and it helped me understand the story I'd learned and how the walls I'd built to protect me were the very things now causing me harm.
I continued to stay true to my intelligent, ambitious and confident personality but I learnt to show people a bit more of myself, I became more vulnerable. And the more I showed people, the more people showed me. For the first time in my life I found belonging.
Sadly it wasn't universal, because I remained resolutely me....and some people will only accept you if you act the way they want you to, and often what those people want is for you to shrink yourself so that they feel bigger. It's a hard lesson, but I've fought too hard for my individuality to start succumbing to others expectations now.
It's actually been the greatest gift, to learn these lessons about human nature. To know that I will never please everyone, and that it's because I'm living the life that everyone wishes for....one that's true to myself.
If you've spent your life trying to meet others expectations, I get it. The alternative route can be hard, but believe me when I say it's worth it. And if you don't believe me then maybe listen to the regrets of the dying.
And if you're not even sure what 'true to myself' is, then that's how I can help through coaching. We can work to listen to your voice, to unpick beliefs that have been planted by others and help you achieve the things that you want for yourself.
